Dealing with toddlers hitting and biting

Sometimes when a newborn comes along, older toddlers can react by changing their own behaviours to try and help them deal with the new situation. Biting and hitting are very common behaviours amongst 1-3 year olds, whether they are in a house with a new baby, or just growing up and challenging the boundaries set for them.

First try to consider why your child might be biting or hitting. Reasons can include:

* not being able to communicate their needs verbally
* feeling their space is being invaded by another person
* experimenting with new sensations or a feeling of control over someone else
* sensory overload - too much noise/light/stimulation
* are teething/needing oral stimulation
* wanting to show love or affection (yes, really, they may not realise how much it hurts)

Then look to see if there is a trigger for the behaviour - is it the same child, when your child is tired or bored, is it at a certain place like nursery or home or around a certain toy or activity? Try to remove or reduce the triggers if possible or if not, be even more vigilant when around the triggers to try and catch you child before they bite or hit - this is the most effective strategy.

When you child does bite or hit someone else, you can try to:

* respond with a firm 'no - biting/hitting hurts'. Use the same phrase consistently and share it with all your child's carers.
*tell your child what you do want them to do, 'use gentle hands' or 'smiling mouths', again being consistent with the phrase used.
* check on the other child's wellbeing and pay them attention. Ensure your child is not receiving all the attention (positive or negative) as this can reinforce the behaviours.
* explain very simply to your child the effect on the other person's feelings, 'Jenny is crying because biting hurts'. Avoid blaming your child or labelling them as 'naughty', instead talk (very briefly) about the behaviour.
* re-engage the child who has bitten/hit out in another activity.
* ensure that you are praising them when they are showing appropriate behaviours - be specific, 'I like it when you hug me', 'good gentle hands with the cat'.

Remember that all new behaviours take time to learn - there are no magic bullets. Often these behaviours reduce as your child becomes more verbally able, so if you are concerned that your child is having trouble communicating in an age-appropriate way, seek the advice of a speech and language therapist via your doctor or health visitor.

Books can be a great way of learning new behaviours, try sharing Teeth are Not for Biting, Hands are Not for Hitting, or No Biting regularly to reinforce the behaviours you do want to see.

There is little research on toddler biting, but the Early Years Childhood and Parenting Collaborative have brought together what research there is here. Interestingly, they note one study showing toddlers in a large nursery initiated an average of around 3 bites per 100 days in the nursery falling to about 0.5 bites per pre-schooler per 100 days, showing that this phase does usually pass!